Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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