Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
