You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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