Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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