I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
He better not be in your backpack
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
