i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
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