I'd wear matching sweaters with you
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
