I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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