im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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