I wish my penis had an off switch
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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