If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
