You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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