you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
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