I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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