also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize