Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize