if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Small penises have feelings too.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
