she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
