she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
accomplished twins. life is a go
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
