dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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