We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
