Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
