She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
either way he was missing a nipple.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
