At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
We have started to decorate penises.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
