take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
