Your mouth is God's brothel.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
