my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
