you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize