He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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