just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
either way he was missing a nipple.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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