I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Text me some of your sweat
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
