She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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