I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
