Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize