The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
