I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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