she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
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