is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
