I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
