the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
