I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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