why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Randomize
