Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
