I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
