Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
