During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
