You really coming over, don't trick.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
