She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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