is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
