So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
