my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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