it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
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