I love black thongs
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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