Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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