I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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