I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
