the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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